The Self-Care Shift
“Make sure you’re taking care of yourself.” How many times have you heard those words when navigating a tough situation? If you’re like me, those well-meaning reminders can trigger a flood of, well for me…shame. It took me a while to zero in on the feelings, but that word captured it. I’ve caught myself spiraling into thoughts like, Am I doing enough self-care? I don’t have time for self-care. Nothing will fix this pain; I just need to endure it. Sound familiar? If so, here’s the catch: that shame blocks us from stepping into the very thing we need most—care. Care that nourishes, expands, and sustains us, even in the stormiest seasons.
The need for self-care can be even more pronounced in the retirement chapter, where we can find ourselves navigating uncharted territory marked by aging, loss, and shifting roles. For those in the 'sandwich generation,' caring for children—or the 'club sandwich generation,' also supporting aging parents—the intensity of these storms can feel especially overwhelming.
To transform self-care from an obligation tinged with guilt to something expansive and nourishing, we need to shift our mindset, challenge societal pressures, and redefine what self-care truly means.
What Self-Care Is (and Isn’t)
Let’s clear the air: self-care isn’t only about bubble baths and face masks. Sure, those can be on your list, but self-care, at the core, is far deeper. It’s the act of nurturing your emotional, physical, and mental well-being with intention. It’s choosing what restores and sustains you—whether setting boundaries, seeking connection, or simply taking a deep breath in a moment of chaos.
Audre Lorde’s framing of self-care as “self-preservation” reminds us it’s not indulgent but essential. It equips us to show up fully for ourselves and others. Yet, societal pressures can twist this act of nourishment into a source of shame.
How Shame Sabotages Self-Care
Shame is sneaky. It thrives on societal norms that equate our worth with productivity, self-sacrifice, and resilience at any cost. Brené Brown aptly describes shame as “the fear that we’re not good enough,” which fosters the belief that we don’t deserve care unless we’ve earned it, leaving us stuck in cycles of self-neglect.
Personally, I’ve found that shame often shows up as an inner critic. It whispers, Self-care is selfish. You should be doing more. What’s the point anyway?* And in moments of overwhelm, when self-care feels out of reach, shame makes it even harder to take a step toward relief.
Why Self-Care Is Vital
Self-care is not optional. It’s foundational. Harriet Lerner reminds us that “Self-care is not about self-indulgence. It’s about self-respect.” When we care for ourselves, we:
Build resilience to navigate challenges.
Model healthy behavior for others.
Restore our capacity to engage meaningfully with life.
Neglecting self-care isn’t just unsustainable—it’s counterproductive. It’s like driving a car on fumes and wondering why it stalls. By filling our own tank, we’re better equipped to meet the demands of our lives.
A Roadmap to Shifting the Narrative
If shame keeps you from embracing self-care, here are steps to shift toward a mindset of self-compassion:
1. Recognize the Shame
Awareness is the first step. When feelings of guilt or shame arise, pause and name them. Kristin Neff’s research on self-compassion underscores the importance of acknowledging our suffering without judgment. This simple act can break the cycle of self-criticism.
2. Reframe Self-Care
Challenge the idea that self-care is indulgent or selfish. Instead, view it as a responsibility to yourself and others. Tara Brach highlights that self-compassion allows us to approach struggles with kindness, which enables us to navigate life with greater strength and intention.
3. Start Small and Be Specific
Self-care doesn’t have to be grand. It might be a 10-minute walk, a moment of deep breathing, or saying no to an unnecessary obligation. Start where you are and build from there.
4. Build Supportive Practices
Create habits that reinforce self-care as a priority. This could include journaling, setting reminders to pause, or creating a gratitude practice. Surround yourself with people who affirm your need for care rather than perpetuate guilt.
5. Let Go of Perfection
Self-care isn’t about getting it “right”; it’s about showing up for yourself, imperfectly but intentionally. Progress, not perfection, is what nourishes.
From Obligation to Nourishment
When self-care shifts from being another “to-do” to an act of compassion, it transforms us. It’s no longer about fixing something broken but about honoring something precious—ourselves. As you navigate life’s challenges, I encourage you to pause, breathe, and ask: What would nourish me in this moment? The answer might surprise you. And that’s where the true support begins.
Conflux Retirement Coaching is about merging the best of who you are with who you aspire to become. Self-care is essential throughout our lives. If it’s a practice you’ve not yet embraced, I invite you to reflect on how you navigate some of the challenging times in your life and what small step you could take to embrace the concept of self-care in support of You. Self-care is not a selfish or indulgent act. It’s an act of self-love and “self-respect”. Reach out if I can help you in finding your pathways to self-care.
